All posts tagged experts and resources

Rick Ackerly Resources

11 reasons- ackerly (This post in reference to last weekend’s Rick Ackerly workshop. You can find great links to articles and posts, below).

Teachers, educators at any level, caregivers, education majors, counselors and parents are invited to come together for a life changing workshop that will help build a better home-school connection.

Here are 11 reasons why you should attend THIS WEEKEND’s event in Burlington, VT.

  1. You want to build a strong, trusting relationship with your child’s teacher.
  2. You want to foster life long learning (via internal motivation).
  3. You want to avoid over commitment to external motivators.
  4. You want to have the courage to say “my kid can handle this.”
  5. You want to encourage mistakes and failures and learn how to fold them into your child’s educational experience.
  6. You want to learn the best way to SUPPORT your child with homework and schoolwork without hovering or interfering.
  7. You want to understand to goal of education and where to focus.
  8. You want to recognize the joy of education.
  9. You want to understand the role of teacher, parent and school in an effective education environment.
  10. You want to support the genius in your own child.
  11. You want  to show your child you trust him or her to become an independent, motivated, cooperative learner.

Bonus: It’s AUTUMN in VT.

 

 

 

 

Research Says Knock It Off…

Every now and then, it helps to get a little confirmation that we’re parenting in the best interest of our children.

We’ve pulled together some research and credible headlines that confirm we do not have to meddle in the affairs of our offspring nearly as much as we may THINK we do. Take it from the experts- interfering is ineffective. Many of you are recovering from Helicopter tendencies (we all have at one point or another!).

This post is to inform you and inspire a boost in motivation to continue down the Duct Tape Parenting Road.

In Short Knock it Off and Don’t Be:

The Dictator

Futurity.org: Children are less engaged when moms tell them how to play, according to a study that finds kids have more negative feelings toward “directive” moms.  Read the post, here.

What does this mean for you? It means you can butt out when kids are playing. You can let them argue, disagree, play something you don’t really like, lose at the game and so forth and NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT IT. In fact, throw some Duct Tape on your ears (if it’s annoying to you) and go put your feet up and enjoy the freedom to stay out! Heck, have an adult conversation. Go for it.

The Homework NAG

“The practice of forcing children to begin working what amounts to a second shift after they get home from a full day of school has absolutely no proven benefits before high school, and there are increasing reasons to doubt its value even in high school.[6]  What kids need, therefore, are parents willing to question the conventional wisdom and to organize others to challenge school practices when that seems necessary.  What kids don’t need is the kind of parental involvement that consists of pestering them to make sure they do their homework –  whether or not it’s worth doing.” – Alfie Kohn

Click HERE to read the entire Washington Post Article, Is parent involvement in school really useful?

What does this mean for you? This means if your life is all about getting things done, checking work off the list, giving up free and creative time, and making sure kids are on it, on it, on it all the time, then you can let go and NOT FEEL GUILTY about it. You can challenge the fact that this might not be the right way to spend your time with your child (and know it won’t screw up his entire future if you choose say, reading or creative or quiet time over the daily nag festival). [hr]

The Helicopter Parent

Overparenting is characterized in the study as parents’ “misguided attempt to improve their child’s current and future personal and academic success.”

From: Why Parents Need to Let Their Children Fail: A new study explores what happens to students who aren’t allowed to suffer through setbacks.

“Year after year, my “best” students — the ones who are happiest and successful in their lives — are the students who were allowed to fail, held responsible for missteps, and challenged to be the best people they could be in the face of their mistakes.” – Jessica Lahey – Read the entire ATLANTIC article, here.

What Does this mean for you? It means go for it, step back. Let that kid go to school in PJs. Allow the child to forget a lunch. Oops, he forgot a mitten? Great! Think of all the little lessons your child will learn when you refrain – even if you REALLY WANT to swoop in and fix, save, help, and avoid discomfort. Let ’em ride and DON’T FEEL GUILTY about it. It’s good for these kids to fall and bounce. We call these “Duct Tape Moments” – write yours down and tell us about it.

The Power Tripper

“Assume that children naturally want to be authorities, that they want challenges (even if it hurts), that they want to take responsibility, make decisions, make mistakes, and learn from consequences—just like the rest of us. (Actually kids tend to be better at all this than adults.)” – Rick Ackerly, Author of The Genius in Every Child.

What does this mean for you? This means that you can toss the idea that power struggles must be won at all costs. You can challenge the notion that kids who don’t listen the first time are “bad” or that because you are the “adult” you must always win. Allow the kid some space to choose NOT to obey or make his own agenda, like: making his lunch, choosing the clothes he likes and so forth. It’s natural for kids to want to try things and even fail. So, again, no feeling bad if you let your child have some slack (and he screws up) or you lose a battle (keep the ego in check!). No biggie. Keep it moving. [hr]

The Punisher

Alfie Kohn: Why Punishment Doesn’t Work

“What punishments—even if they’re euphemistically called “consequences” (so we can feel better about making a child feel bad)—really do is make the child angry, teach him that you get your way in life by using your power over those who are weaker, and make it less likely that he’ll focus on how his actions affect others.”

“Kohn’s view is consistent with the perspective of restorative practices, which seeks to develop good habits in students not only when someone is watching, but more importantly when no one is looking. That means that children (and also adults) have to find their own intrinsic motivation and take responsibility for their own behavioral choices.” – Read the EdWeek article here.

What does this mean for you? It essentially says that punishment is really about power, not teaching the child a lesson- so you can ease up on the “punishment” reflex (if this is one of your parenting tripups)! He indicates having a “fixed” list of punishments for “offenses” (vs. having a flexible, case by case response) is not really in the interest of the child. He mentions when we get all rigid and don’t allow for context (zero tolerance style), it’s just a  “doing to” approach and not a “working with” approach. Children will learn so many lessons without parental interference (mom and dad driving home a superimposed lesson to prove they were right or the child was wrong) that it’s unnecessary and unhealthy for the relationship if we abandon the “working with” response. Bottom line, working with a child who makes mistakes is more effective than punishment by “doing to.” [hr]

Article via the Washington Post: Life skills all teens should have before graduating from high school– By Mari-Jane Williams

The DOER OF EVERYTHING

“We do all of these protective things when they are in high school, and then a lot of them end up partying more and forgetting to do laundry, forgetting to study, especially because they’re not in the habit of doing these things and no one is telling them to do it. None of these things are particularly earth-shattering, but they do add up.”

What does this mean for you? It means slowing down to realize all the ordinary (to us, not them) ways  teens can practice creating their own personal structure systems for: schedules, accounts, communication, studying, and more. This  means spending an afternoon explaining ATM deposits and withdrawals and letting him or her practice IS a good way to spend a Saturday. It means letting their laundry become their responsibility, even if they don’t get it done. It means taking the time to train them to use a calendar- or other organizational tools. It means powering off so they can practice real world conversations, planning, cooking and so forth.  The key takeaway is that kids only have a few years to practice this kind of “real life stuff”- and there’s a lot of it! If parents don’t realize the importance of this process, the kids will be out the door with an iffy sense of how to navigate the world. So, go for it- slow it down. Let the teens do all that stuff we don’t like either. It’s good practice. 🙂

Note: Start the training early so by this time, they’re ready to move on to bigger things than laundry!

 

 

Podcast: Kids, Money & Ron Lieber

lieber-podcast-300x222Today’s blog post features a practical, insightful podcast with Ron Lieber, “Your Money” columnist for The New York Times.

In this conversation, we talk about his new book, due out in 2014 titled The Opposite of Spoiled.Ron shared the premise of the book and his unique take on how parents can combine teaching kids about finances with the development of strong character traits ensuring they don’t end up in the spoiled category. His ideas were fascinating and I walked away with an arsenal of ideas I’ll be sharing with parents with young kids.I encourage you to not only listen to the podcast, but to follow Ron on Facebook where he will be sharing this adventures in writing his book with his readers.

You can also follow him on twitter  or visit his website. Add this to another resource in the case for training kids to be independent!

Click to Listen–> Parenting Strategy: Give your Kids Money & Cultivate Values with Ron Lieber

 

Just Ask, Your Kids will Appreciate it

A recent post on Alfie Kohn’s website. requires parents and educators alike to stop and consider everything they believed to be true. Kohn shares a perspective that could hit many squarely between the eyes.

Here are some excerpts to convey the point. Read full article here.

…”The point, of course, is to remind us adults how little we really know our kids and what they’re capable of doing”…

…”And why wasn’t she engaged in the classroom [life]? Well, people tend to become more enthusiastic and proficient when they’re in charge of what they’re doing”…

…”It was particularly disconcerting for me to realize that when the priorities of adults and kids diverge, we simply assume that ours ought to displace theirs… We tell more than we ask; we direct more than we listen; we use our power to pressure or even punish students [children] whose interests don’t align with ours. This has any number of unfortunate results, including loss of both self-confidence and interest in learning. But let’s not forget to number among the sad consequences the fact that many students [children] quite understandably choose to keep the important parts of themselves hidden from us. That’s a shame in its own right, and it also prevents us from being the best teachers [and parents] we can be.”

It’s comforting to know that Vicki Hoefle, as a result of Dr. Alfred Adler and Dr. Rudolph Drykurs, shows parents HOW to become more encouraging, engaged, accepting parents to our children.

When you finish reading Kohn’s article, you will be left with a choice – you may choose to say “WOW – that was powerful”, set the article aside and go back to doing exactly what you always do, or you will consider what Kohn is saying and take the first step in changing the relationship you have with your kids.

The choice – as always – is ours to make.