Finally, THE Answer: How To “Get Your Kid To” Do What You Want
I address this question all the time. As in every single parenting class.
Hand goes up, someone says: “What if she doesn’t want to clean the sink? How do I GET HERTO clean it?” or “What if he doesn’t make his lunch? How do I GET HIM TO make it?”
My answer is always:
You can do whatever you want to “GET YOUR KID TO” do anything.
You can hit, bribe, yell, cry, whine, threaten, take things away. You can hold your kid’s hands and brush his teeth for him. You can carry her to the car if she’s not ready in time. You can nag until he yields and finishes his homework. It’s up to you. You already know, these are all ways to GET YOUR CHILD TO listen. You also already know- these don’t work (and they’re exhausting) or you wouldn’t be here. These are Bandaids on Bulletwounds. They only temporarily “fix” the problem – but you’re not solving the bigger issue.
Then I wait: Hmmm. The room goes quiet.
Folks, here’s how you GET YOUR KID TO do what you want:
You Stop Asking:
HOW DO I GET MY KID TO
And Start Thinking:
WHAT WILL IT TAKE FOR MY CHILD TO?
Light bulbs go off. Hands go up. Ah-has become clear.
Oh, right, because the goal is NOT to have a child with a clean room or brushed teeth.
The REAL goal is to raise a child who knows how to clean his room and when to brush his teeth. Big difference!
Bingo.
Stay tuned for more as we roll into our NEW blog schedule.
I wish the light bulbs were going off for me, but they’re not. I like the alternative question a lot…but I don’t know the answer(s)! For a strong-willed 2.5 year old refusing to brush teeth and go to bed, is the idea to just “invite” but not cajole/bribe/etc., and then let the chips fall where they may (e.g., child stays up till she finally drops at 10 or 11, which means parents are up that late too, and everyone’s exhausted the next day…and there’s a cavity brewing to boot)? I’m not being at all facetious… if this is the idea, and if it has the potential to shift the dynamic so our daughter figures out for herself that going to sleep is a good idea, I’d consider trying it. Or am I not getting it? I guess my larger question is whether this method/philosophy is intended for toddlers as well as older children. Thank you!
Thanks for the questions. We are not suggesting that you don’t set up boundaries, schedules, or enforce order when living with a toddler. Far from it. What we talk about is the HOW when setting up an environment that is respectful to a child who is learning to make decisions, determined to become independent, is curious and wants to feel empowered as she learns to navigate the world. It is the HOW that makes all the difference between an increase in power struggles and fractured relationships versus peace and harmony while raising our kids. Cajoling, bribing, counting and punishing aren’t effective parts of the equation, based on our philosophy. Sure these strategies will create momentary compliance, but if the goal is to raise a thinking child, who will rock her life when she leaves your home, they don’t work to create long-term change. A 2.5 year old is at the perfect age to begin to implement boundaries and routines, and so on that will support her growing independence and self-esteem and desire for personal power. The site is designed to help parents learn more about this approach and to offer suggestions and stories from other parents who have been through – exactly what you are going through, and had the same questions. So snoop around and if you still need a few more specifics, let me know. And please, remember, I raised 5 children and I can assure you, I was not the least bit interested in turning over my home or my life to them. It was finding the balance that made life wonderful for all of us. Feel free to check out http://flockmother.wordpress.com/ or http://slow-and-steady-wins.blogspot.com/ These two moms started blogging about their journeys and the transformation in their families.
I address this question all the time. As in every single parenting class.
I wish the light bulbs were going off for me, but they’re not. I like the alternative question a lot…but I don’t know the answer(s)! For a strong-willed 2.5 year old refusing to brush teeth and go to bed, is the idea to just “invite” but not cajole/bribe/etc., and then let the chips fall where they may (e.g., child stays up till she finally drops at 10 or 11, which means parents are up that late too, and everyone’s exhausted the next day…and there’s a cavity brewing to boot)? I’m not being at all facetious… if this is the idea, and if it has the potential to shift the dynamic so our daughter figures out for herself that going to sleep is a good idea, I’d consider trying it. Or am I not getting it? I guess my larger question is whether this method/philosophy is intended for toddlers as well as older children. Thank you!
Thanks for the questions. We are not suggesting that you don’t set up boundaries, schedules, or enforce order when living with a toddler. Far from it. What we talk about is the HOW when setting up an environment that is respectful to a child who is learning to make decisions, determined to become independent, is curious and wants to feel empowered as she learns to navigate the world. It is the HOW that makes all the difference between an increase in power struggles and fractured relationships versus peace and harmony while raising our kids. Cajoling, bribing, counting and punishing aren’t effective parts of the equation, based on our philosophy. Sure these strategies will create momentary compliance, but if the goal is to raise a thinking child, who will rock her life when she leaves your home, they don’t work to create long-term change. A 2.5 year old is at the perfect age to begin to implement boundaries and routines, and so on that will support her growing independence and self-esteem and desire for personal power. The site is designed to help parents learn more about this approach and to offer suggestions and stories from other parents who have been through – exactly what you are going through, and had the same questions. So snoop around and if you still need a few more specifics, let me know. And please, remember, I raised 5 children and I can assure you, I was not the least bit interested in turning over my home or my life to them. It was finding the balance that made life wonderful for all of us. Feel free to check out http://flockmother.wordpress.com/ or http://slow-and-steady-wins.blogspot.com/ These two moms started blogging about their journeys and the transformation in their families.